


Young Justice Drabbles and Crack

by TheProphetMich



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Drabble, Gen, almost everyone is gay, just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-07 00:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12221628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheProphetMich/pseuds/TheProphetMich
Summary: Crack fic. Mainly season 2 characters. A lot of Jaime Reyes and the Scarab cause they are my children. I might add to this, might not.





	1. Almost Everyone Is Gay

"Impulse to Nightwing. I might need some backup."  
"What's the situation?"  
"Queen Bee showed up. Beast Boy and Lagoon Boy are under her influence."  
"Aqualad, Zatanna, and Blue Beetle are on their way."  
"Nightwing, I'm bi."  
"Aqualad, Zatanna, and Rocket are on their way."  
"Ha. Ha. Try again."  
"Wonder Girl?"  
"I'm on it."

"Zatanna to Nightwing, everyone's free from Bee's control. And just for the record, Wonder Girl sooo isn't straight."  
"I am though! I don't know what happened, I just."  
"Cassie, it's fine, we aren't judging.”  
"Though we don't appreciate that you put the closet above the safety of the team."  
"I didn't though! I'm not gay! I have crushes on guys and everything, that would make me bi. Which I'm not. I mean. I've never ever had a crush on a girl. Well, unless Queen Bee counts... Fuck, did she turn me gay?"  
"Lucky."

Wonder Woman was furious. "She's 14! You can't expect her to know her sexual orientation! It was irresponsible of you to send her on the mission."  
Batman nodded. "Perhaps you should've sent some females from the league."  
"There's only four females in the League and the ones available were queer."


	2. Inside Jokes

Jaime could drop Connor. They were flying about 30 feet in the air and he was fully capable of loosen his grip. He'd probably be fine, too, being Superboy and all that.  
The scarab clicked. [This is unlike you.]  
[I'd never actually do it!] His face was heating under the armor. [Pretend you never heard that.]  
[At this height and speed, the Superboy has a 99% chance of survival, 18% chance of injury.]  
[We aren't doing it.]  
[We could catch him.]  
[Stop it.]

A small group of them were eating at a restaurant after a mission and in their civvies. Jaime was drinking from a cup when Nightwing slipped out of the booth. Connor said something and he stopped to respond. Jaime's eyes fell on Nightwing's back pocket.  
He could pour orange juice in it.  
[Do it.]  
Jaime set his cup down, Nightwing continued on to the bathroom, and he forgot about it until two weeks later.

It was a mission briefing. Nightwing paced the room, talking about squads and strategies and a bunch of serious stuff because people died this morning and some meta was planning the murder of thousands in the next 24 hours.  
Nightwing walked passed him.  
[You could pour orange juice in his pocket.]  
Jaime burst out laughing. Everyone turned, there were a couple of glares. Nightwing crossed his arms. "Mind telling us what's funny about an atomic bomb?"  
"Nothing. Something the armor said."Their expressions turned worried and Jaime realized too late that blaming a homicidal piece of tech wasn't a good idea, especially when everyone was convinced he'd be the next Hitler.


	3. Cringy

That mission's gamma squad was gathering in the bioship. Cassie was late and it was making Tim’s teeth grind, so everyone else stayed clear of him. Even Gar sat still.  
Actually, he’d been staring at the ship's wall since Jaime came in and he wasn't about to touch that with a 9 and a half foot pole.  
Tim gave an exaggerated huff. "If anyone leaves this ship, they're getting a baterang up their ass."  
As soon as Tim was out of earshot, Gar opened his mouth. "I feel bad for Tim. He can't have super sex."  
Bart's brow drew to his hairline. "Not wrong." He leaned forward. "My condolences to the whole bat family. Well, except for Dick. He's got some bend to him."  
"I know!"  
Jaime dropped his head, because, really? The mission hadn't even started yet.  
"Wait," Bart said, eyebrows wiggling. "So a beastie kink?"  
Jaime's head snapped up. Was Gar even old enough to have kinks? He was pretty sure he wasn't, but Beast Boy was whacking Bart's arm. "Says the human vibrator."  
Bart cackled, then pointed to Jaime. "Xenophilia?"  
Jaime choked. Gar grinned. "Double meaning.”  
What was even happening right now? "I'm not. I. How even?"  
Bart’s grin spread wide. "Or is it that whole someone watching thing? Bondage?" He squinted at him. "Probably not bondage."  
Gar set a hand on his chest. "Did you just assume his kink?"  
Jaime sputtered. There was absolutely nothing he could say to that, so he just. Got up and left.  
He wasn't out of earshot before Bart elbowed Gar's arm. "Bet he's into vibrators."  
Gar laughed. "And baterangs. He left the ship."


	4. Gar Takes It Too Far

Garfield tapped his shoulder. "Jaime. Hey. Hey, Jaime."  
He barely glanced up from his history book. "Yeah?"  
Gar leaned over him, shifting smaller until he was a spot on Abraham Lincoln's nose. "I'm green beetle."  
Jaime flicked the bug off his paper and continued reading, but Bart was in the room. In a millisecond, his boot was off and flailing. "HOW DARE YOU TRIGGER ME AND MY WHORE SON!"  
Gar took flight and Bart chased him around the room; if anyone asked, Jaime had no clue as to why there were footprints on the ceiling. No clue at all.  
Bumblebee, also exposed to constant bug puns, was hit ten times harder once a certain movie script became a meme. She'd walk into the same room as Beast Boy and hear nothing but Bee Movie until she left. Bumblebee gave it a week before he got bored of it.  
Except he didn't. No, this shit actually gained momentum. Jaime, Tim, and Gar were chilling in the kitchen when Bumblebee came in for a cup of coffee. She waited there as the pot brewed listening to it. Gar didn't stop at the narrator's spiel. No, he went all the way to the actual leaving of the hive and he was so fucking proud of it.  
"You done," Bumblebee asked, drumming her fingers. To her credit, she could keep a cool head.  
"Nope." He clicked his phone twice, that green terror was two phone clicks away from the script, and started where he left off. "You’re way out of position, rookie."  
The machine whined and she stormed from the room, coffee splashing onto her hand.  
"Dude," Tim said.  
"Oh, I'm not done." He typed away on his phone. A second later, Bart skitted into the room to take it from him.  
"How far did you get?"  
"There," Gar pointed.  
Bart was gone. Tim and Jaime were bug eyed. Gar tipped his chair back with that mischievous smirk. "Want in?"  
Jaime stepped back. "Sorry, hermano. As a fellow bug based hero, I can't in good conscious—"  
"I'll stop doing the beetle thing. And I'll stop changing into a Robin to shit in your hair."  
Jaime looked at Tim and, well, there went their resolve.  
Jaime didn't do it unless Gar egged him on. He tried to hold Gar back when she wasn't in a particularly good mood, cause Gar was terrible at judging that type of thing, but after another week it was rare to see her in the same room as him. Another month and Gar had more than half the script committed to memory; he'd jump around for some variety. Tim, tech wizard as he was, hooked bee-related YouTube videos to her alarm clock and her doorbell and their ringtones. Beast Boy roped La'gaan and Cassie into it, but his attempt with M'gann resulted in a strict conversation. "It's getting repetitive, anyways. And borderline hurtful."  
"No it isn't! It's flattery."  
"Not to everyone, Gar."  
Jaime and Tim ditched the ringtones after that and Tim went over to disable her doorbell; the alarm clock was in pieces in her recycling bin.  
The next time Bart's phone rang, Jaime confiscated it. "No more."  
Bart snatched it back. "Would you stop being a muddled stick?"  
Jaime pinned him with a glare. "Go up to her and call her name. Just say 'Hey, Bumblebee,' and see if she flinches. Go on."  
Bart changed his ringtone. They weren't sure when Cassie stopped, but there was a lack of bee movie trailer the next time hers rung. Gar lightened up, but Bee didn't stay in a room with him long enough to notice.  
It was still new to La'gaan, still fun, still a game. It was his phone that went off during a mission debriefing. Nightwing paused and La'gaan fumbled to vibrate it, but Bee was over there in three strides to throw it to the ground. "I'm done," she shouted. "I don't need to put up with this shit!"  
She slammed the door on her way out of the room, the beginning of tears in her eyes. Silence stretched. La'gaan bent down and winced when his chair squeaked.  
Nightwing did a slow walk down the center of the room, voice low and even. "Who was apart of this?"  
Slowly nearly half of the room raised their hands. Nightwing pinched his forehead. Looked around. "Really, Tim?"  
"Only for a week, I swear. Gar started it."  
“I don't care." He pressed his fingers into the eyes of his mask. "Apology letters by end of day. Like we're in kindergarten."  
"What's kindergarten," Bart asked. Jaime elbowed him. Nightwing glared at the speedster and Bart was courteous enough to look sheepish.  
"Apology letters," Nightwing continued. "No getting defensive, no excuses. You apologize for being a bunch of bullies instead of a team of heroes. Memes are banned. Comments about any animal or object related to someone's hero name," he stared directly at Garfield, "are banned. I am disappointed in all of you. Dismissed."


	5. Nature is Greater Than People

Jaime took to the sky when a branch flung his way. Some magic user enchanted the trees to go all whomping willow on them. He lifted his arms to turn them to knives, but the armor resisted. "What, you want something better than swords? Go ahead, lethal force time, now's your chance."  
[Negative. I won't damage nature.]  
He flung his head over his shoulder. "You're kidding."  
The branch hit, batting him out of range. Not kidding, then. "It's attacking us. Self defense."  
[You do not kill in self defense.]  
“Sonic blaster? Staples? A non-lethal laser?"  
[All would cause significant damage.]  
"Blue," Bart called. He was koala-holding a flinging branch.  
“C'mon, one blast. For Bart.”  
[Do my values mean to little to you, Jaime Reyes? You avoid killing when the most insignificant human life is at stake, yet I respect you enough to avoid terminating them. Will you not afford me the same courtesy?]  
Jaime grabbed Bart under the arms, carrying him above the leaves. "Do you want me to boycott paper, too?"  
"What?"  
"Not you. Look, do we have something you're willing to use?"  
[Computing... Negative.]  
Jaime lowed Bart to the ground, fighting his arm into a knife. "I'm killing it."  
Bart sped away. "No killing. Who're we killing?"


	6. Flashing

Bart was terrible at shopping. He'd run his fingers along selves, pop into the clothing racks, pop grapes and bulk section candy into his mouth. His mom sent them to grab the toilet paper and chips and Jaime should've noticed when he stopped hearing "What’s this?” every five seconds.  
"HEY JAIME?"  
Bart. From far off. He sped walked towards the voice.  
“JAAAAAIMEEEEE.”  
"Stop shouting." He spun round the corner. Bart had a plunger in his hand. When he swung the cup part towards him there was a square of floor tile suctioned to it.  
"Can you fix this?"  
They lined the tile up with the floor and left.

\---

"Why," Roy asked.  
Dick and Wally were leaning on each other laughing. Robin pointed at Wally, took a breath and settled before bursting into laughter again.  
Wally got a grip of himself. "Convinced him to let me peek under his mask. See his face."  
"Just for a second—"  
"He flashed me."  
More laughter. Robin slapped Wally on the arm. "And you flashed me."  
"I flash everybody."  
"Yeah, you're such a whore."  
Roy did the smart thing and walked the hell away.


End file.
